Caine 2019

Raw Hardstyle – Master of Piep


Greig Bowles originated as a hybrid chinese/italian transgender chum salmon on a warm winter summer, and raised by Danny DeVito until march 1869. After a harsh life of trying to swim upstream, Danny DeVito got disappointed in him. For this exact reason, the little twat threw him into a puddle where Greig was left to die until the water vaporized. In the last seconds of his life, a white beam of light appeared before him. None other than Odin, god of wisdom, poetry, death, divination and magic, as well as ruler of Asgard. “Hey x” he said. “I am Odin, I am a god and shit. My son is in movies. Whaddup.” Greig was astonished of his stunning appearance and majestic beard. Odin gave Greig his wisdom. “A have a spare body of some random Viking cunt, it is yours now. Go and eff shit up. Now piss off, I have to go make my wife some spaghetti.” And that he did. Odin made his wife spaghetti, but used the wrong pasta sauce. His wife Frigg suddenly attacked him, but Greig was there to protect him. After stopping the attack, Frigg said “Let me kill that dickwad, I’ll give you his beard.” Greig was immediately convinced. Greig inherited Odin’s beard. “From now on, you shall be known as Caine” Frigg said. “Be wary of some pussy called Headhunterz, he will try to steal your future friends known as GPF”.

Caine started his adventure. Along the way, he met Bramwise Gamgee and Dildo Swaggings, who accompanied him on his adventures. After having their first and second breakfast, the boys encountered a wild donkey. The intrigued Caine saw his beautiful round nuts dangling in the wind. The strong aroma of donkey balls could be smelled miles away, which led Caine to believe there was something special about them. He snuck up to the donkey, and gave his sack a tender lick. The donkey screamed at the top of his lungs, but Caine was just in time to record the amazing sound. The donkey sound later developed into Caine’s iconic kick.

Eventually, Caine settled down. He became a father when he got his son Shaun. But everything changed when the bombs fell. Caine hurried to the nearest Vault together with Shaun and his wife. He avoided the decimation of the atomic blast. When inside, the employees told him and his wife to step into a decontamination pod. But what he didn’t realise, is that the pods were actually designed to freeze them while the passage of time went on. On a certain moment de cryopods were disabled, and Caine saw his wife get shot in the head and his son taken away out of her arms. Many would think that he would seek revenge on the people who took Shaun and started a search fuelled by hatred. But Caine thought ‘tough shit’ and went back to sleep. When he woke up again, he set out to make the most brutal music ever created. Because raw. Raw never changes.

To start with his musical career, Caine had to make some money first. The question was, how. Caine knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, he had no idea what to do. So he found a job in Scranton Pennsylvania, where he would work in an office all day. He did this for around seven seasons, because after that it all just went downhill from there. You wouldn’t hate it, but you wouldn’t like it and it’s terrible.

Caine stepped out of The Office, only to encounter an enormous dragon. Some blonde bimbo was riding it, accompanied by her hand, Micha Lannister. Caine had none of her shit. He stood firm, shouted “GET GET YOUR ASS UP AND FUS RO DAH” and the hoe flew 60 feet away. Caine once again embarked on a quest, this time together with Micha Lannister. They set out to the mage’s college in Winterhold. Here they met GandAlf the Gay. GandAlf wanted to use Caine’s beard for its magic power, but the fee was way too low for Caine to even consider it. Caine sacrificed Micha to forever set the fee on a higher level. After having an intimate moment with Harry Potter and Gary Oak, Caine started his journey to the Netherlands, the Valhalla of Hardstyle. He made some music. He was at a few events. Stuff like that. He’s pretty cool and shit.

Why are you reading this. Just book this cunt already. You need a sexy ginger for diversity purposes anyway.